Fanatical atheist

In the throes of hardcore Christianity in my early 20s (see my previous post), I finally decided to read the Bible.  I figured If I was going to dedicate my life (and afterlife) to its teachings, I should probably actually read it. So I reverently opened my NIV study Bible and began reading Genesis 1:1.

And after I finished reading the last words of Revelation 22:21, I knelt down and prayed.  For many things in the bible didn’t make sense to me.  And many more things profoundly disturbed me.*  So I asked God to help me understand his word.

Then I proceeded to read the bible again.**

And this time when I was done, I didn’t kneel down and pray.  For instead of feeling like I read a book inspired by a perfect loving god, I knew I just read a work patched together by primitive ignorant humans.  Though I still loved god with my heart, I no longer loved him with my mind.

My Christian friends tried explaining to me that that was why my belief in god was referred to as a “Faith”, for it transcended reason.  But that argument further confused me: why would god create me with a brain, only to expect me to disregard it?

From a fanatical Christian, I became a fanatical atheist.

The next ten years of my life were my most turbulent.  No longer knowing my place in Creation and what was expected of me, I was an unanchored unbattened boat tossed in the stormy ocean of life.  I was angry that I wasted my entire life to blind faith.***

However, I owe the existence of The Alpha And The Omega to my fanatical Christianity and fanatical atheism.  I couldn’t have come up with the its plot if it wasn’t for my Christianity.  And I wouldn’t have wrote it as a secular (i.e. over-the-top horror) novel if it wasn’t for my atheism.

To be continued…

* What exact biblical concerns I had are outside the scope of this particular post.  But I’m willing to divulge them if enough blog commenters ask.

** Including all the excruciating “…X the father of Y, Y the father of Z…”s in Genesis and Mathew.

*** This doesn’t mean I believe all people of faith are living a lie.  Events in my life have led me to my current (ir)religious state.  Not having experienced another’s life, I have no right to pass judgment on his/her spiritual journey.